Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
