Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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