I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
