I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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