Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
