If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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