either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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