No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
