You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
