Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
