is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
