haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
