that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
