he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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