And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
