You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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