I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
