I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
