you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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