When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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