So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
