Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
