You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
