mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
