Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
