I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize