Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
