In the future we'll all be gay
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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