john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
