I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's official drugs can't kill me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
