omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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