i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
