I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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