u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
