I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
