Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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