I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
