I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
