I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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