Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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