My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize