I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
