My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
