i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
