i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
