i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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