So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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