Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
