rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
