I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
