Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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