I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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