Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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