This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I hate all girls vehemently.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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