They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
