He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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