Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
