Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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