2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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