Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
