Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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