Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
How does it feel to date your dad?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
