ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
