I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize